... And He Said "Congratulations. Now, we all belong to a family. Brahmi.

Keep practicing and you will experience God's LOVE more and more"

It's better to feel sadness than not feeling anything at all

I'm going through a taugh time lately. Since August I dived into some uncertain sea full of doubts and fears. I'm never worried as long as I cry a lot to wash my sadness but when I start to feel that I can't cry or I can't feel God and joy within me then something is definitely wrong. And it is.

So, in order to connect myself to the Universe and as they said "you need to feel fragil to feel things, you need to feel fragil to surrender and stop controlling everything".

I think that, everytime I feel fragil and cry, the ego completely disappears and I (finally) find myself and I always listen to my heart saying "no, I want this, that way you're killing me".

It's awful when we absolutely know that something kills our dreams but we still stay there trying to finish something because we think it's better that way, even if it makes us "not happy" (completely unhappy sometimes).

I don't know why I'm still doing X, when I want Y although I'm trying to do Z for now because I want Y, Z and maybe a W...

One thing it's certain: today, I didn't want X but I chose it so I have to accept my responsability in it and manage my emotions and decide if I really want X.

These fall/winter is getting more complicated that I would like and it's affecting my brain :(

* I'm thinking how much my therapist is right. I'm taking decisions which are supposed to be mine but they are like that as a result of pressures. It's time to decide, it's time to be me, it's time to be happy*

Starting over, step by step

We all have our phases, our ups and downs when we feel desperate about our life.

I've decided to start with simple things, besides allowing my tears to drop on my face in order to clean my soul from all sadness that was somewhere inside me...

So, today, I started with pancakes for my break and after dinner I cooked a greek snack made with filo pastry (damn, I didn't know how much I like filo pastry!). Of course I already ate one (just to taste!) and I concluded that I need, specially know, to feed my body with all marvellous food I can take and my body wishes.

And I found this fantastic website full of recipes: http://www.ilovemygrub.com/

I hope you all get in love with food as I'm falling right now...

"

(...)

Real humility, that is, humility as a power, is another word for self-respect

(...)

Another secret is that your ego is not going to go away just like that.

In fact, it is going to follow you everywhere! Even into meditations filled with great light...

You'll just be sitting there when all of sudden, this or that thought from your limited self will emerge, pulling you down in a second.

To come down like that means you are still open to influences of a lesser order. This is a sign of ego.

(...) Ego is very subtle, which is why it is not easily detected.

However, if you stay alert and pay attention to yourself, you will be able to maintin your humility regardless.

You will be able to remember that whatever is happening is a test.

You are being tested on your determination to not allow anything to touch your wings.

(...)

Maintin your self-respect by remembering that you are not going to allow ego to reach you, you are going to keep it behind you.....

While you just continue to fly."

Dadi Janki, from Wings of Soul

So still in a zen mood,

today I've allowed myself to rest a bit

I slept in the midle of the afternoon just because yes (I really needed that!)

I left all things that I have to be done aside

I'd breathe as I never breathe before

I've allowed myself to feel my essence

I'm loving me

Giving time to heal all wounds

Giving time to myself

Expressions of Love

So, I've added a new therapist to my "collection". I had my first ayurvedic massage today and despite my back (that "suffered" so much in that massage in order to take all my tensions away....) I'm in a super zen mood - and I should be!

I was wondering how much love I'm taking from outside to help me, to relief my pains, my wounds... how many people are here with me, helping me everyday, every session. I know that's their work but they could only show me their work, instaed of it, they show me and give me their hearts, their love, their energy, their words, their time, their hug...

After my massage, me and my therapist spoke a little and I drank a hot tea.

This helped me so much... in ways that I can't explain by words.

It was good. It really helped me flowing my energy, my emotions, which were so deepy inside my heart...

I'm love with books

Well, what can I say... a book fair... my newest and innocent sin I'm admiting here!

Everytime I see a book fair I start to think "oh no... books!!!!! I have to see that fair!".

Of course I took a lot of time checking all the books I wanted and I'm concluding I wanted them all! Aaaahhh I just could think "why I want all these books when I have tons of them everywhere in my house?". It's something I can't avoid, I love books, I found it's one of my passions which I think it's very good!

Celebrating life, strenght and LOVE.

Celebrating GOD in my life. Celebrating ME as HIS daughter and HIS strenght and peace within me. Because Life and Joy comes from within, because beauty comes from within... I'm in celebrating life mode, because it has to be like that! Because it is like that but most of the time I don't realize that. Because I'm finally taking decisions based on my intuition and HEART! And HE is with me all the time, watching me as I ask HIM to guide me and protect me, always and forever.

Because there's no time for sadness, I'm enjoying the best of me, the woman I am, the strenght I am believing that I'll become better, beautiful, stronger.

Because we need to experience death to reborn, we need to find darkness to become bright. I feel that I'm turning into a new me. Again.

Dancing in the rain

For the first time I danced in the rain. Without make up and jewelry I dressed my costume and surprised a friend. I danced in the backyard, I danced under the moon, I danced in the rain and I felt blessed with every raindrop. She cried with my dance and I felt my strenght, Love's GOD and protection while I danced... in the rain, for her (her birthday present).

Some quotes for today (directly from BK, my home):

- Love heals

- A thought heals

- knowledge is light, where everything is crystal clear

- without peace there's no love, if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't like yourself you don't have peace

- I make it happen.

- Set your mind free from what's not allowing you to breathe.

- You are the solution. Never the problem. Never believe in bad things other's say. Believe in yourself. You deserve happiness. It requires a lot of courage and love but God gives you that. It's your choice. Let's be happy?

Because LOVE is the ONLY THING NO ONE CAN KILL...

* I heard this quote another day and I feel like sharing such wisdom

Yesterday the Goodbye Man went to the light

I had the opportunity to say goodbye to him once and you can't imagine how much the simple gesture of smiling and saying goodbye to a such sweet man, who dedicated his last years making other's happy, coloured my soul that day. Lately I'd been thinking about him, I wanted to say more goodbyes to make him and myself happy, it was like sharing positive energy without knowing each other!

Without Love nothing worths.

He coloured our city and our lives just by smiling!

Thank YOU Senhor do Adeus*

* For those who don't understand what I'm talking about please follow the blog I found telling the story of this man (in portuguese version only, I'm sorry - please try some translator to read the post): http://e-se-tentarmos.blogspot.com/2005/03/o-homem-que-diz-adeus.html

No one said it was going to be easy

When you take your life and take control of it as a Queen/King you may find obstacles although you stay there because you know/you feel that it's your path.

The warrior in me is saying: Go away, go away, live your life, live your dream... I deeply feel inside that I have so much strenght that I could even share it with others but I'm not using it not even for me (?!?!)... or it's just my wrong perception?!
It's so interesting that I'm not afraid about living my harder dream because I know GOD/Universe protect who is brave although I don't do anything about it (or by another words, I'm trying to be calm and rational - I hate this word! I can't use just my mind, I just can't. It doesn't work for me being just in my head and I hate when I'm too rational, I feel I'm loosing so much from life - but the real thing is, now, I want to definitely explode because I'm tired - God knows why I'm so tired... I'm tired of wasting energy doing something that I know that doesn't work for me. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me smile, it doesn't give me the challenges that I need to grow!)

You see, I have to much thirsty for life. I desire with all my guts to grow, to do better, to give more, to feel more... everything more! and my thirsty doesn't kill me, it gives me life instaed.

I'm fire and I don't allow anyone to kill me but I kill myself. I'm my best friend and my enemy.

I have darkness and I have brightness, as we all have.

I know what it's not working. In this case, university stuff it's not working anymore.

I can say I've reborn after my depression. Oh, one thing that is definitely good after that is knowing me better than ever and feeling my essence and finding so many good things that makes life worth.

But for me, university.... bah! I'm still playing the game... studying etc etc, yes, or I'm tough or I'm really silly ahahahah (I admire my sense of humour in my darkness!)

No one said it was going to be easy. I found my problems within, I found what is killing me on my daily basis and setting me away from happiness but no one said it was going to be easy to solve all the problems...

So, one day at a time! Taking time and air to breathe... thinking with mind (if necessary) and HEART, because life without heart doesn't mean anything.

And because I truely believe in Universe, I'm doing my part. I'm helping myself and trying to open my heart more and more. May the Universe send us all bright light to guide our paths, even the hardest ones.

Because, I know that I can ignore some things, I can be silly by asking myself everything that I see (and even what I don't see!) but I can't ask the Universe things I've felt deeply inside.

So, for those who think I'm crazy or I don't live in the real world (this one is good!) I just have an answer: The Universe ISN'T silly, HE knows what HE does and MY HEART knows what's inside and I can't contest it. We all just need to listen to ourselves/our hearts! Did I mention that it isn't easy? Yes, sometimes it isn't at all... that's why I'm trying to colour my essence with courage every day!

So, I wish we all GOD's LOVE, HIS bright light, courage and strenght to change what it's not working for us - we usually deeply know that - but we got stuck somewhere thinking we can't change because... (Why we can't? Who said that?!)

My next challenge is doing exactly the opposite if someone decided to say to me "you can't"... Let's see if I can't.... who's the Queen/King of my/your life after all? (My Sagittarius is screaming today! Like that!!)

Saying Thank YOU, GOD

I thank GOD for all the blessings that I have in my life

I thank GOD for my strength (that I forget so many times I have)

I thank GOD for being who I am, for crying and for smiling from within with all my heart

I thank GOD for ALL LOVE I receive from HIM, UNIVERSE and from my family and friends

I thank GOD for giving me the courage to heal myself

I thank GOD for loving me in all situations and guide me in the dark

I thank GOD for HIS LIGHT, because I know GOD saved/save ME in my JOURNEY

I thank GOD for everything, for what I've achieved till now 'cause the best is always yet to come

Keep your dreams away from others

if necessary

I realized that when we feel tremendously happy about something sometimes we tend to tell others how happy we are and how blessed we feel for that but we can forget (even for seconds) which ears are going to listen to us.

Even a huge friend can show you how he/she is afraid of that situation or how they are concerned about you (it helps if you are crazy like I am!).

My way was always not to tell everyone what's happening or what's making me very happy...

I choose which ears I want to hear me but, as I said, even a huge friend can say things that you don't like. It's part of life. So, after that situation and some comments that I heard, even when my friend was kidding, I now choose to not hear part of what he/she says, it's just like selecting words that are about to go into your ear. I know that that comments will hurt or puts my mood down so I have the choice to select what it's going to be part of me.

Acception by the one's you love is always difficult (family, friends, etc).

It takes courage, love and dedication to show them that you are just following your unique path.

For me it has been difficult but I'll keep going on because no one can live my life for me.

It's hard to realized that just few people accept you but, as long as you accept yourself and you know you're not doing anything wrong, then... go away and live your dream!

Looking for changes

Even when if the sky is dark

Even if it's rainning

Even if you're feeling alone

Don't worry.

You can always do things by yourself.

You just need to believe in you and TRUST the UNIVERSE.

Today I heard: If you believe in the Universe and set yourself free. If you help yourself and look for changes. Then the Universe will definitely help you to reach your dreams and goals.

The Universe helps if you help yourself

I'm ready to travel within myself more and more. I'm ready to work hard and I'm ready to face my fears... I'm ready to be ME, more and more. FREE and HAPPY.

I TRUST. I BELIEVE. I WILL DO IT.

I KNOW THAT I CAN

The reason why I was feeling dead inside is because I allowed my old person to say hello again.
Did I mention that I was leaving my old skin and feeling new? Yap, I've said that! But, for some reason, the old person was trying to come back to control everything again..... yes, ok, nice try!

Yesterday I realized that - finally! I analized all things which are happening with me (inside myself). I'm not feeling happy at all and the way I recognized that, was completely scary, like if it was "normal" to be unhappy!!!!???? So, after 1hour of therapy I decided to do something for me... again! I'm always feeling that I have to remember myself why I am here, why I am doing this, etc, etc, etc. I need to remember myself that I'm a warrior, I'm strong enough to deal with my fears, my ghosts and with my darkest side. Just GOD knows how difficult it is to remember myself over and over again sometimes... Just GOD knows how difficult it has been to cry when I feel desperately I have to clean my soul from negative energy. Lately, I just can't, my tears seem to be made of jelly and they are stuck in my eyes so, no washing soul for now.

I still believe that I am the Queen of my life.
I still believe that I can do everything that I want when everybody around is saying "You can't".
I still believe that I can do everything but I need to believe it NOW, TODAY! And I'm not...(today)!

So, after 1 hour of talking I realized that I'm not doing what I deeply deeply want, I'm taking decisions that I'm supposed to want but if I look deep within I can see that I really don't want that and everything has a price. The price of doing part of what I don't want/doesn't make me happy is loosing myself, my balance, my mental health and this is not good...
So, today, I just want to say: This is not working for ME. There's life outside with lot of blessings waiting for me and, for some reason, or without reason, I'm not seeing that because I'm wasting my energy thinking about things that really doesn't matter at all.

Being happy isn't always easy (what a stupid quote that makes completely sense...!!!). It REALLY takes COURAGE to be happy... and probably you will be seen as crazy/completely insane person by others but it doesn't matter*. As long as you can be yourself (totally) nothing matters*. If you really want something from your heart doesn't matter how long it takes your path, doesn't matter if it isn't easy... you will just keep walking to reach your dream.
And this is the point where I am now.

That's enough for me. Life is freedom and I'm not being free with myself.
The time of change begins now.
More than ever. More than ever.
Because this is the only way to be happy.

* by doesn't matter I don't mean you have or are going to hurt someone. You just need to follow your heart and sometimes people can't see that by not accepting you as you are... (and I know how it feels like...)

Happiness is for those who believe in TRUE LOVE without judgements...

Because LOVE means FREEDOM

LOVE sets you FREE.

And by LOVE I mean every kind of LOVE.

Yesterday I read a beautiful quote saying something like this:

The emptyness isn't that bad. It can cause loneliness and sadness but in fact emptyness means everything because it considers all possibilities of something happen.

So, don't worry, be calm and feel the emptyness because after that something Divine is about to born!

Pearls of Wisdom

In times that I need signs I received another one, from a stranger woman that spoke with me in the most unexpected place. She started speaking about zodiac, telling things about astrology and we end up talking about LOVE where she finished with this beautiful quote:

"I always believed that it's better a big love far from you than a little love close to you, so I go where my heart tells me."

I couldn't agree more!

Why should we content about a relationship that doesn't give us much when a bigger love is awaiting?

It doesn't matter if it's close to you or not. You always know when LOVE is BIGGER. You always feel it...

Let's follow our hearts without fears?