It's better to feel sadness than not feeling anything at all

I'm going through a taugh time lately. Since August I dived into some uncertain sea full of doubts and fears. I'm never worried as long as I cry a lot to wash my sadness but when I start to feel that I can't cry or I can't feel God and joy within me then something is definitely wrong. And it is.

So, in order to connect myself to the Universe and as they said "you need to feel fragil to feel things, you need to feel fragil to surrender and stop controlling everything".

I think that, everytime I feel fragil and cry, the ego completely disappears and I (finally) find myself and I always listen to my heart saying "no, I want this, that way you're killing me".

It's awful when we absolutely know that something kills our dreams but we still stay there trying to finish something because we think it's better that way, even if it makes us "not happy" (completely unhappy sometimes).

I don't know why I'm still doing X, when I want Y although I'm trying to do Z for now because I want Y, Z and maybe a W...

One thing it's certain: today, I didn't want X but I chose it so I have to accept my responsability in it and manage my emotions and decide if I really want X.

These fall/winter is getting more complicated that I would like and it's affecting my brain :(

* I'm thinking how much my therapist is right. I'm taking decisions which are supposed to be mine but they are like that as a result of pressures. It's time to decide, it's time to be me, it's time to be happy*